Australia Once Again Continent-Sized Prison For Criminals and Degenerates
Behemoth Ice Floes Level Majority of Andes Mountain Range
Cache of Blu-rays Uncovered In Coffin Nail Gang Slum Raid
Cheese-Eaters Emerge As Water Supply Tainted
Chili Dog Trumps Serial Killer Case
Community in Mourning After Autonomous Dump Truck Obliterates Local Elementary School
Cool Science News! Human Existence Merely Elaborate Optical Illusion
Corpse of Previously “Extinct” Animal Found Riddled with Bullets
Crematorium Accepting Applications For Summer Internship Program
Daycare Groundbreaking Interrupted By Show of Brute Force
First Radioactive Mutant Elected President of American Slimea
Ghost of Orson Welles Cited For Trespassing
Grim Reaper in Recovery Following Thousand-Year Binge on Human Souls
Hamburger Forest Sprouts at Site of Former McDonald’s
Hellbound Train Now Offering Senior Discount
Human-Rocket Flight Impending As Final Arithmetic Sequence Decoded
Hundreds Found Dead at Kool-Aid Cove
International Space Station Filled With Astronaut Skeletons From All Over The World
Inventor of Time Machine Returns From Distant Future With Bad News
Ku Klux Klan Announce They Hate Aliens Now Too
Millions Buried in Mass Grave Modeled After Chuck E. Cheese Ball Pit
Missile Silos To Be Converted Into Vaults For Stuffed Animals
Monster Truck Rally To Be Held on Prison Asteroid
New York City Mayor Not Human After All
One of God’s Own Bites the Dust
Popular Birthday Clown Sentenced to Death
Practice Apocalypse Postponed Until March 20
Production Company Files Patent For Skeleton Porn
Renowned Self-Proclaimed “Alter-Dimensional” Mystic Vanishes Into Hibernating Volcano
Renowned Watering Hole Hangs On No More
Science Magus Blows Minds As Beating Heart Is Lifted Out of Living Man’s Chest
Self-Professed Zombie Apocalypse Survivalists Wiped Out Within First Hour of Zombie Apocalypse
Sentient Omni-Sphere Vists Earth, Moves On
Sgt. Tugg Chunker, Retired War Hero and Notorious Junk Fiend, Dies at 58
Southern Sea Littered With Cave Men In Final Mass Melt