Australia Once Again Continent-Sized Prison For Criminals and Degenerates

Behemoth Ice Floes Level Majority of Andes Mountain Range

Cache of Blu-rays Uncovered In Coffin Nail Gang Slum Raid

Cheese-Eaters Emerge As Water Supply Tainted

Chili Dog Trumps Serial Killer Case

Community in Mourning After Autonomous Dump Truck Obliterates Local Elementary School

Cool Science News! Human Existence Merely Elaborate Optical Illusion

Corpse of Previously “Extinct” Animal Found Riddled with Bullets

Crematorium Accepting Applications For Summer Internship Program

Daycare Groundbreaking Interrupted By Show of Brute Force

First Radioactive Mutant Elected President of American Slimea

Ghost of Orson Welles Cited For Trespassing

Grim Reaper in Recovery Following Thousand-Year Binge on Human Souls

Hamburger Forest Sprouts at Site of Former McDonald’s

Hellbound Train Now Offering Senior Discount

Human-Rocket Flight Impending As Final Arithmetic Sequence Decoded

Hundreds Found Dead at Kool-Aid Cove

International Space Station Filled With Astronaut Skeletons From All Over The World

Inventor of Time Machine Returns From Distant Future With Bad News

Ku Klux Klan Announce They Hate Aliens Now Too

Millions Buried in Mass Grave Modeled After Chuck E. Cheese Ball Pit

Missile Silos To Be Converted Into Vaults For Stuffed Animals

Monster Truck Rally To Be Held on Prison Asteroid

New York City Mayor Not Human After All


One of God’s Own Bites the Dust

Phantom Footwear Found

Popular Birthday Clown Sentenced to Death

Practice Apocalypse Postponed Until March 20

Production Company Files Patent For Skeleton Porn

Renowned Self-Proclaimed “Alter-Dimensional” Mystic Vanishes Into Hibernating Volcano

Renowned Watering Hole Hangs On No More

Science Magus Blows Minds As Beating Heart Is Lifted Out of Living Man’s Chest

Self-Professed Zombie Apocalypse Survivalists Wiped Out Within First Hour of Zombie Apocalypse

Sentient Omni-Sphere Vists Earth, Moves On

Sgt. Tugg Chunker, Retired War Hero and Notorious Junk Fiend, Dies at 58

Southern Sea Littered With Cave Men In Final Mass Melt

Suicide Suppository Receives FDA Approval

Technocrats Tune Out

Virtual Reality University Alumns Fall Victim to Dream-Debt