Sgt. Tugg Chunker, Retired War Hero and Notorious Junk Fiend, Dies at 58

BANGKOK, Dec. 11—Sgt. Tugg Amadeus Chunker, known in some circles as “Toby Dick-swing,” passed away in Bangkok this morning from a self-inflicted gunshot wound as the result of an accidental discharge from his Mark MMXII Desert Eagle pistol. He was 58 years old.

Chunker, a lifelong solider, did seventeen tours on Mars during the decades-long war that came to be known as The Battle For Olympus Mons, for which he was awarded the Black Skull of Valor. Other career highlights include battling mutant wasps in the mineral caves of Io, defending a boardwalk Hooters franchise from fallout lepers, and aiding in the destruction of an underground city of shapeshifting reptile bureaucrats.

“I’m gonna miss that sumbitch,” said Gritt Calhoon, an old friend who served in the armed forces with Sgt. Chunker. “He was the biggest god dang perv I ever known. I reckon I seen that guy’s pecker bout twice as many times as my own, which is sayin’ a lot. Shit, if you was havin’ a bad day, he’d pop out that yogurt-slinger’a his just to git a smile outta ya. That’s fuckin’ friendship. Rest now in the silence of the void, my brother. Lord ain’t makin’ no more Tugg Chunkers, that’s fer dang sure. I’m gonna gulp down a Pop-Tart glazed in BBQ sauce in yer honor.”

Sgt. Chunker is survived by his two children, Dingo and Shark Jr., who informed the Tymes that they assumed their father had been dead for at least fifteen years. A private funeral will be held on the moon of Deimos next Tuesday.