THARSIS MONTES, Feb. 12—Atmospheric trawlers in the mesosphere of Neptune have discovered the first ever incontrovertible proof of extraterrestrial life, scientists announced on Thursday.

“The samples gathered from the winds of Neptune appear to be the spores of a fungus-like lifeform,” stated exobiologist Dr. Fart Knuckler, who spoke on the topic live from Martian orbital research platform Juanita during the Doctor Fart Radio Hour Friday night.

“The spores grew rapidly in the lab,” explained Dr. Knuckler, “feeding on everything from organic matter to solid steel. Curiously, they formed stalks crowned by face-like appendages, which screamed and screamed and screamed.”

The lifeform breached containment, and as he spoke was beginning to metabolize the outer hull of the delicate spacecraft.

Still on air, Dr. Knuckler began to shout “Get out of my head,” while striking himself repeatedly on the temple with a socket wrench. He was likely already deceased at midnight MMT, when Martian battlecruiser Estrella Damm obliterated the orbital laboratory with a 20,000 megaton nuclear warhead.

Ballistics experts fear some Neptunian spores may have survived the explosion, and are even now drifting down the gravity well toward the densely populated cities of Mars.

Dr. Knuckler’s radio program was followed by the popular late night kink broadcast, Spanked.