TOLEDO, Mar. 12—City officials announced today via morse code chimes run through an air raid siren that a mass grave modeled after a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit is finally ready to be filled with millions of human carcasses in varying states of decay.
Construction of the quarry-sized ball pit, which is believed to be the largest of its kind, was held up for months due to food shortages and unlawful public executions, but was able to commence this past January after a renegade militia coerced laborers into completing it by pointing machine guns at their children.
“I thought this damn thing would never see the light of day,” said Herbert Orslack, whose mossy hovel borders the pit. “The smell had gotten so bad that I’ve been wearing a gas mask pretty much nonstop for two years. At least now that it’s done we’ll finally have something to do around here. I can’t wait to jump into that thing.”
Following a midnight ribbon-cutting ceremony attended by none other than Chuck E. Cheese himself, crews worked through the night bulldozing mountains of rotting cadavers and sun-bleached skeletons into the three-hundred-foot hole.
Two billion multi-colored plastic balls imported from The People’s Republic of Walmart are expected to arrive by the end of the week.