Grim Reaper in Recovery Following Thousand-Year Binge on Human Souls

THE VOID, Feb. 8—During a press conference held earlier today, the physical manifestations of Conquest, War and Famine announced that their companion Death, known to Westerners as “The Grim Reaper,” is currently undergoing life-saving treatments at an unknown facility.

“Death had a busy millennium,” said Conquest, who appeared to be visibly shaken. “Y’all just kept coming up with new ways to kill each other, and of course that’s more work for him. He was gathering up the newly dead into his screaming black bosom and nourishing them on the bitter milk of eternity pretty much ’round the clock . . . and after a while it really cleaned the son of a bitch out.”

“He got tremendously depressed. I’d never see him like that before,” added Famine. “He’s concerned about job security. If every living is wiped off the face of the earth—which is looking to be the case—then he’s out of a job. Guy’s got a mortgage and a family to feed, for Christ’s sake.”

When asked about the ultimate fate of those trapped in the non-dimension of un-being while Death is on hiatus, the taciturn War chimed in with his only statement for the day: “They’re fucked.”

Despite numerous personal and professional setbacks, Death is expected to make a full recovery, and plans to seek new opportunities in the private sector upon his release from the hospital.