CITY OF LOST ANGELS, Oct. 31—Police were summoned to the Hollywood Hills late Sunday night after an anonymous tipster reported seeing an impossibly huge and belligerent ghost screaming obscenities at the Hollywood sign.
Upon arriving at the scene, officers carefully approached the tormented phantom, who was sipping from a highball glass and puffing on a Cuban cigar, only to discover it was none other than the ghostly vapor-outline of genius auteur Orson Welles.
Welles, who died over four hundred years ago, spoke to police through a medium, saying he was still bitter that “those worthless Hollywood pissants” had mutilated and defunded nearly all of the pioneering films he had produced during his lifetime. He added that his soul would never be at rest until he tracked down “every last one of those contemptible dimwitted insects” and got his long-awaited revenge.
Commanding officer Sgt. Charles Amsley initially issued a verbal warning to the anguished apparition, but was left with no other choice than to write a trespassing citation only seconds later when a visibly drunk Welles began urinating on a nearby police car while shouting lines from King Lear.
A preliminary hearing is scheduled for mid-December.