ISLE OF WASHINGTON, D.C., Apr. 15—Prometheus Labs issued a press release earlier today claiming responsibility for what they are calling a “cataclysmic breach” at their acclaimed Resurrection Facility in Dupont Circle, where cryogenically-frozen billionaires are brought back to life using patented reanimation technologies.
According to the release, a massive power surge caused hundreds of supercharged sociopaths to escape from their icy tombs and launch into a savage massacre which has yet to be contained.
Dozens of so-called “zombie apocalypse survivalists” dressed in hockey pads and football helmets took to the streets to battle the herd of affluent undead, only to be eaten or violently ripped apart minutes into their spirited assault.
“Those assholes never stood a chance,” said Wilford Huxton, a retired police officer who witnessed the carnage from atop a nearby radio tower. “It just goes to show that you can’t really learn anything from a joke book you bought at Urban Outfitters.”
In a roundtable meeting with the press, White House Press Secretary Arthur Turgen offered a warning to any baristas and bike mechanics considering joining the fight: “Please, just stay home and let the National Guard handle this. It is a shame those twenty-somethings thought their crusade was anything but foolish. I just pray that before this whole thing is over I don’t have to see any more corpses with handlebar mustaches or Sailor Jerry tattoos.”