MAINE, July 14—According to new research from the Brussels Laboratory of Existential Physics (BLEP), what humans today perceive as the Universe is a collective hallucination caused by 300 year-old nuclear radiation.
“We, the world and everything in it are nothing more than a centuries-long coma nightmare,” said a new study released in Science & Lifestyle Journal on Tuesday.
Using new geological surveys and geothermal readings from the Antarctic Knowledge Bunker, the scientists discovered an “overwhelming nuclear event” which led to our extinction generations ago.
“The resulting isotope deposits energized billions of deceased human brains to project an illusory reality which will decay into complete darkness at a rate directly proportional to either the half-life of Uranium-235—about 750 million years—or the decomposition of neural tissue preserved under a mile-thick layer of what used to be our civilization.”
The journal went on to pinpoint the island town of Hiroshima in the mid-1900s as the time and place where Real Humanity (RH) ended and Echo Humanity (EH), as the Laboratory termed our brand of existence, began.
“Think of it like one of those old fluorescent lightbulbs,” BLEP spokesperson Chevron Station announced at a press conference early Tuesday morning. “With sufficient heat and ambient light, the bulb casing would absorb enough energy to glow even after being switched off. Similarly, we are the afterglow of a human race which has been snuffed out for quite a while now.”
“We were walking around thinking, ‘Man, this can’t be happening,’” Kentuckian theoretical biologist Dr. Ephraim Tulane, one of the key contributors to the journal, told reporters. “So we looked into it, and turns out, it isn’t.”
Neither the scientific nor the political community have agreed on a proper response to this discovery. Beatle Snyder, EPA chairman and retired neurosurgeon, cited ongoing ethical debate over experiments to “snap out” of the dream-state and “give in to Reality.”
“All we can do, near as I can tell, is sit on our thumbs and wait for someone to hit the lights,” Snyder said during his morning coffee with the press. “Didn’t need science to tell me that.”