Corpse of Previously “Extinct” Animal Found Riddled with Bullets

SAN FRANCISCO, Apr. 2—The last known member of species Canis Familiaris (Golden Retriever) was found dead in an elevator late this evening. The carcass was discovered by Adrian Bumbershot, a seven-year-old boy, while collecting scraps of wood in an abandoned skyscraper for his family’s heat fire.

Only after trying to wear the carcass as a coat did he quickly realize that the bullet-addled remains were not what he thought they were, but instead that of a canine not seen in half an age.

Despite obvious outrage, conservation forces have said that they will not be pressing charges. Additionally, no weapons were found on the boy when the carcass had been reported, though Mr. Bumbershot has not yet been released from custody. His evaluation is set for the twentieth of this month.