Sentient Omni-Sphere Vists Earth, Moves On

INDIANAPOLIS, Oct. 17—After extensive scientific research funded by the Old Earth Hegemony, the cause of last month’s global fire-tornado epidemic, accompanied by what one emphatic witness described as “horrific twelve-tone space opera music from some evil nowhere beyond the sky,” has been revealed.

The ramshackle team of astronomers and quantum metaphysicians confirmed today that an eight-dimensional sphere of “indescribable intelligence and grandeur” passed through our humble corner of space-time last Tuesday, bringing about the infamous fire-tornados.

Experts speculate the being is passing through all possible universes searching for lifeforms worthy of assimilation into its eight-dimensional matter/time scheme. This may correspond to the sudden disappearance of North America’s primary food source, a species of purple slime mold commonly known as Gut Rot.