ATHENS, Jan. 7—Burpo Squirtgun, the affable birthday clown who has been delighting children of all ages for years, was tried before the Peach County Oligarchy this afternoon, where village elders unanimously voted in favor of his immediate execution.
Squirtgun, who has no prior convictions, was caught stealing from the community storehouse, a crime punishable by death. Once in custody, constables recovered the stolen property, which consisted of a string of multicolored Christmas lights, fifteen ultra-ribbed latex condoms, and a roll of duct-tape. The items were stowed in a hidden compartment inside the clown’s oversized red shoes.
“It’s a shame, a damn shame,” said The Amazing Yoshi Zantos, Mr. Squirtgun’s defense attorney and local birthday magician. “I’ve been working birthdays for over two decades. There’s no money in it, but the kids need us. Burpo got desperate, but he’s an asset to this community. The punishment does not fit the crime, plain and simple.”
In his closing argument, a distressed Squirtgun constructed a ballon animal in the shape of a monkey before being violently lead out of the courtroom and through a mob of inconsolable children.
The doomed clown is currently incarcerated in a stockade next to the village’s latrine hole, and is expected to be crucified on the hood of a 1998 Chrysler Sebring later this week.