SLIMETOWN, NOV. 7—Crud Muncher, son and surgical residue of famed NASCAR gladiator “Cap’n” Crunch Muncher, was elected the 501st President of American Slimea in a grueling toxic sludge match against incumbent president The Reptile Jeffery Smyles.
The Smyles’s campaign exhausted its 16 million tons of toxic sludge stockpiled over 75 terms in office in the Tuesday night loss. The Muncher campaign scraped the bulk of its sludge from sub-suburban sewage communities and slime-producing mutant communities across the Sadness Belt. As of election night, Muncher’s sludge reserves weighed in at 7 million.
Political analysts point to Mr. Muncher’s acid-resistant Tungsten exodermis as the deciding factor in the historic upset.
“The irradiated human genome is hard to predict,” said Chipe Montgomery, Senior Sludge Strategist under the outgoing president. “Some mutants bleed from their eyes. Mr. Muncher happens to have heavy metals embedded in his skin.”
The election concluded when Muncher detonated a dirigible full of bile and nuclear byproduct over a Superdome campaign event, drowning Smyles.
In a brief acceptance speech attended only by his family and their parasites, Muncher expressed gratitude to the mutant community.
“We are all abominations of our species. Toxic sludge oozes from every wretched pore in our bodies,” he announced. “But at least we aren’t some goddamned sideways-blinking reptiles.”