Inventor of Time Machine Returns From Distant Future With Bad News

HAMBURG, Feb. 19—Dr. Lutz Fleischer, the German scientist who rocketed to international fame last fall after prototyping the world’s first time-traveling device, returned from his maiden voyage into the future Friday evening in a comatose state.

According to paramedics at the scene, Dr. Fleischer was passed out in the front seat of the vehicle covered in bone-deep lacerations and several days’ worth of his own feces. He was clutching what appeared to be a severed black crab claw nearly six feet in length.

After receiving medical treatment and a psychological examination, Dr. Fleischer finally regained total lucidity at exactly 3 a.m. Tuesday morning when he took the attending nurse hostage while she was changing out his morphine implant, seizing her with what she described as “superhuman strength” whereupon he launched into a manic tirade that lasted for nearly twelve hours.

“He told me there was no moon and no stars,” said Nurse Ada Hilke, who had no choice but to listen to the scientist’s seemingly endless prophetic rant. “He said the earth was dead and just filled with crabs. Like huge armored crabs with no eyes who didn’t feel anything. That’s basically all he talked about was those crabs. Every time he brought up what they did to him he vomited into his bed pan.”

Dr. Fleischer is currently on suicide watch, and has repeatedly warned hospital staff that upon his release he plans to travel into the future one last time in order to “fucking murder every last one those cocksucking crabs.”