HALIFAX, Mar. 2—A tribe of roving beachcombers made a horrifying discovery Monday morning after stumbling upon hundreds of bloated corpses on the shoreline of a small coastal inlet known locally as “Kool-Aid Cove.”
The cove, which borders a sugary crimson ocean, was the site of a chemical spill twenty years prior when an oil tanker carrying millions of gallons of cherry Kool-Aid capsized and dumped its entire load into the radioactive water, resulting in what scientists have called a “perfect storm” of liquid fusion.
“Imagine a chocolate-covered cyanide capsule,” said Edwin Omega, a marine ecologist at the Atlantic Oceanographic Institute. “Sugar is rare in nature, and here you have buttloads of the stuff mixed with what is essentially trash-filled nuclear waste. This is an irresistible combination to humans and animals alike.”
Authorities have reported that the ill-fated gathering was in fact a wedding reception, and have determined the incredible loss of life was the result of oblivious caterers filling punch bowls with the deadly libation. “Bride, groom, mom and dad, grandpa and grandpa, even the damn priest,” said Sheriff Willy Lumberhawk, speaking to the press through a WWII gas mask. “I guess you could say they all drank the Kool-Aid.”
In a bizarre twist, cleanup crews have had their workload double after seagulls drawn to the confectionary cadavers dropped dead from consuming flesh marinated in everyone’s favorite summertime beverage.