SOVEREIGN KINGDOM OF HOUSTON, July 22—The tattered remnants of NASA have reported that after decades of radio silence, they are finally certain of the ultimate fate of those aboard the International Space Station when an enormous fireball resembling the habitable satellite rocketed into Earth’s atmosphere early Tuesday morning.
A response team made up of bounty hunters and hobos retrieved the charred wreckage from its final resting place in the Gulf of Mexico and returned it to NASA’s Houston facility for a detailed inspection.
“Yeah everyone had been dead in there a long time,” said Jett Spaceman, a man claiming to be NASA’s Deputy Administrator. “It was wild to see all those different flags from all those different countries on their dusty skeleton-filled space suits. I guess there aren’t really countries anymore. Still, it made me think of that ‘It’s a Small World’ ride, you know? All those people coming together in peace for one great cause. It’s too bad ‘cuz they’re definitely all dead now.”
Something resembling a funeral was held Thursday evening as the twelve multicultural bodies recovered from the derelict space station were unceremoniously tossed into a tar pit behind what was once a Dairy Queen. Mourners present at the gathering described feeling absolutely nothing before returning to their miserable existence of collecting garbage and eating things that may or may not be food.