Crematorium Accepting Applications For Summer Internship Program

DEATH ISLAND, Sept. 19—Resumes have been pouring in from eager hopefuls in the Boneyard Canton after Farewell Crematorium announced they had begun accepting applications to their highly sought-after summer internship program.

The program, now entering its seventh year, offers a comprehensive learning experience for college students looking to get their hands dusty in the crematorium industry.

“Every hour of every day in this, the dark eternity of our age, we shovel putrid corpses into a fire which is never quenched,” said Lark Hoffer, who oversees the crematorium’s day-to-day operations. “So long as mortal beings die within the physical realm and rot where they lay, our work is never finished. I think it is essential for youngsters to learn the trade early on—before we, the keepers of the flame, are ourselves thrown into the death-hell in which we tend to.”

Applicants are urged to submit the necessary paperwork via carrier pigeon, as the air surrounding the facility is thick with ash from the millions of nameless souls who lived to see the promise of death ultimately fulfilled.