Hellbound Train Now Offering Senior Discount

RUINS OF CHICAGO, Oct. 12—Thrifty senior citizens all across the barren wasteland once known as the American Empire rejoiced this morning after Amtrak announced that trains destined for Satan’s fiery abyss are now half off for passengers over the age of 65.

The decision to lower prices was largely seen as a pragmatic one. “Frankly our stations are overrun with these mopey old people,” said Amtrak representative Janet Ulman. “They just stand around crying and saying they don’t have any money. We’re trying to run a business here, not Purgatory.”

“This is a godsend,” said Henry Ropner, a retired aluminum scavenger who estimates he is no more than three days away from death. “You know us old folks have it rough. Once a tribe determines that we’re totally useless, we are given a trash bag filled with diseased beaver meat and set loose inside a corn maze. It gives me peace of mind to know that when I finally pass on from this broken and desolate world, I’ll be able to afford a ticket to my eternal punishment deep below.”

Undertakers are being instructed to leave just half a copper coin in the elderly deceased’s mouth, with Amtrak pledging to make up the difference so Charon doesn’t get pissed off.