TALLAHASSEE, Mar. 14—Since the beginning of the ‘darkening’ 38 years ago, astrophysicists and the State-sponsored hypnopriest ecclesiastical caste have debated how and why the stars in the night sky have been winking out one by one.

That debate was abruptly shelved on Tuesday when Sol, with little to no warning, guttered and died like a candle in the breeze.

Our Hallowed Cybernetic Autarch has assembled a crack team of scientists, chauvinists, and hot bitches who plan to launch themselves sunward in a hastily exhumed Soviet spacecraft and jump-start the deceased star with fission weapons.

“We’re just as likely to die miserably as everyone else,” said Captain Clugshucker, chief chauvinist on the expedition. Indicating female crew-mates in leotards running systems checks behind him, he added, “Might as well go out with a bang!” He then winked and made an obscene gesture involving his pelvis and one ham-like fist.

Meanwhile, a bloody free-for-all has erupted at an archeological site in the saltwater marshes formerly known as Bangladesh. Excavating through a century of Toyota pickups and oil tankers submerged in putrid sludge, the warring factions hope to exhume the legendary North Face™ jacket factory, as the cold sets in.