ZUG ISLAND, Apr. 29—Conglomerated Meats has won its bid to purchase the United States.

“The bidding was neither fierce nor steep,” said former treasury secretary Gus Toolshed.

In total, only three vetted bids were offered. “One from Northrup Grumman that was frankly insulting, one from the Canadians which we could not entertain on principle, and one from good ol’ family-friendly Conglomerated Meats, who as we all know have been bringing delicious and easy dinner options like Chicken Stix and Beef Paste to the American table since 1973.”

The last President of the United States was also pleased with the purchase. “I am confident that with Conglomerated Meats at the helm, America will prosper in ways never before imagined,“ he stated as he boarded a private jet bound for an an undisclosed location in the Caribbean.

The Tymes caught up with Howard “Hoot” Harlow, CEO of Conglomerated Meats, on his private estate Hoot n’ Holler Ranch, a territory formerly known as Oklahoma.

“It was CFO’s idea,” said Harlow, as he selected a seven iron to extricate himself from a sand trap on hole nine. “Frankly I could give a flying fattoush about the United States. But Dale, clever Harvard grad that he is, Dale saw an angle.”

Dale Müncher’s team ran projections, talked with marketing, then made their proposal to the board of directors.

“It was bold, it was crazy,” said Harlow. “I was sold.”

“It’s an ambitious strategy,” confirmed Müncher. “But the world is wide open now. There’s a lot to get excited about.”

Some analysts believe unemployment will drop from 70% to 30% under the new plan, as millions of jobs are created to turn superfund sites into stockyards and derelict airports into slaughterhouses.

“We want to give Americans a place at the international table,” added Harlow. “Our number one priority is to serve Americans. To the Chinese, mainly.”