FAIRMONT, Apr. 22—The few remaining survivors left in Death Gulag #754 are scratching their heads after a small cluster of “hamburger trees” were found growing in the crumbling ruins of a McDonald’s fast food chain just off I-74.
Botanists have concluded the bizarre gene mashup is a result of centuries of grease, fat, and other hamburger by-products seeping into the radioactive soil, creating an entirely new genus of tree in the process. Lab tests have revealed the beef sandwiches are a perfect replica of the calorie-packed food enjoyed by humans in the time before resource scarcity and endless warfare lead to the godawful hell we now inhabit.
“These trees are truly incredible,” said Dr. Wayne von Dumpo, who teaches plant science at Fargone University. “Pickles, ketchup, mustard . . . hell, even the bun is included. I’ve never seen anything like this before.”
Unfortunately for those suffering from severe malnutrition, which is just about everyone on the planet, the bounty was short-lived. Authorities have reported the entire life-giving forest was set ablaze after a dope-crazed doomsday cult got loaded and fired off a bunch of Roman candles at a squirrel chewing on some french fry grass.