BALTIMORE, Nov. 16—Odin Pharma celebrated yet another milestone victory this morning after the Food and Drug Administration cleared the pharmaceutical giant’s newest wonder drug for public consumption.
The drug—called Mortex, which the FDA defines as a “suicide suppository”—is a highly concentrated toxic formula administered through the rectum, which then quickly travels through the anal cavity and up into the heart. Once the drug has entered the bloodstream, the user mercifully perishes from this godawful world within seconds.
According to Odin Pharma, Mortex boasts a 100% effectiveness rate.
“In our clinical trials, we found that every single patient who took Mortex crumpled to the floor and died screaming,” said Dr. Albert Wentz, Odin Pharma’s chief medical researcher. “To be honest, Mortex is little else than a cocktail of common household cleaners and antifreeze. The major breakthrough here is that we’ve managed to make bodily self-destruction as simple as taking your morning vitamins. Granted, you have to put the thing in your butt, but that’s a small price to pay for permanent relief from this grotesque and nightmarish existence we unfeeling monstrously stupid human beings have carved out for ourselves.”
Mortex is expected to hit the market this spring, where it will be readily available without a prescription in exchange for one reasonably functional eyeball and a three-pound bag of irradiated rice.